Bubble Boy, reggytony, and legoman124
Welcome to Your Mystery Story Page 2! Here is a new page to enter your fantastic new opening story lines, paragraphs, and soon full story.
This is also the place to post two stars and a wish about the other story staters, paragraphs, and stories you read. Two stars are positive things you see in the story and your wish is constructive feedback on how to specifically improve the story.
So, to recap....which means go over again, post your writing here after you've done some in class editing with your peers and then post it online for the world to see. The other people who are part of your team online, will post 2 stars (positive things) and one wish (constructive feedback to help make the writing better). Be kind, because after all, they will do the same for you!
Note: All stories and comments need to be on this page. Please do not use the discussion area for postings
A Flash of lightning crackled as the door of the tomb creaked opened loudly. - legoman124
The ugly man crept into the camp quietly and very slowly.-reggytony two star one wish interesting story and slowly quietly good words wish, finish your story-legoman124 The Tomb
by legoman124
A Flash of lightning crackled as the door of the tomb creaked open loudly. As a shady figure stepped into the dark wet tomb. but then arrows flew for the wall, He easily dodge the arrow in one step. Farther he got the more trap their were, like hole arrow and the worst of them all the mouse traps. Until he saw it, the priceless solid platinum carving of the Mungalia Head of Wisdom. So he grab it, bad idea. The floor rumble, the wall shake, then the biggest candy ball of all time landed right in front of him well not in front of him a couple of feet.
He bolted to the entrance but he was to late, smosh he was creamed into the giant candy ball. Boom!!!!! Right into the entrance, Candy shot everywhere the eye could see. So he grab a handful and stuff it in his sachel and then walked away. Then he nearest black market and sold it for 10$, it was kind cheap but what ever. The End HI Legoman124, The grade 5 class, and I are looking at writing this afternoon. We would offer you the following comments: We thought your paragraph was very interesting, and offered a lot of description. You provided some unique ways of looking at common objects. eg. the candy boulder. We think that your story could be improved on by connecting your ideas, and keeping either past or present tense, so that the reader can understand what you are trying to say. - Mrs. Eitzen and the grade 5 class Hi Legoman! I loved your opening sentence as it set the stage for an exciting story. I could see the flash of lightening and the tomb sets up the idea of creepiness yet adventure. A wish I have for your story is that you'd develop your plot more. I think I've seen, "grab the object and then something smashes down on you" too many times in movies for it to be original. I bet you could think of something else to happen to make it your own. A good beginning to mystery writing!
Mrs.Smith Hello Legoman124 I really, really liked your opening sentence! I could just picture the man going into the tomb with the lightning crackling outside, I felt like I was actually at the scene in the story! The other thing I like about it is how much good humor their was at the end of the story! I wish that you could work on completing your words a little bit more in your story!
Go LegoMan!!!!!!!!! From: Bubble Boy
World War 2 Assassination
By Bubbleboy
It was world war two in 1941 May when England, Poland, Russia, USA and Canada were fighting the Germans. I was in the Canadian army fighting off the Germans in Chamois, the greatest battle in all of world war two. We were pushing back the Germans to the edge of the city when a man behind me pulls a knife and stabs me in the arm. I try to call for help but my team is already too far ahead, the man lunges for me but I grabbed his arm weakly as blood leaked through my cam-o shirt. The knife was getting closer and closer to my neck as I struggled to keep the knife away, I then gave all my strength to reach my rifle. I quickly grabbed my gun and bashed the man with the end of my gun right in the stomach. The man stumbled backwards dropping the knife beside my shoulder. The man got up and ran away startled. I lied there, dazed not knowing who could of done this to me, with my arm soaked in blood the pain spread through my body...... I woke to be lying on a concrete floor the blood from the cut on my arm had dried, their were men around me talking in a strange Russian accent with guns in their hands. I looked on a wall and saw a flag a German flag! “O my gosh”! I thought, I was in the German headquarters! I tried to get up but a man kicked me with his boot and I fell down to the ground weakly I hit my head on the concrete and right beside me I saw my captain! “Captain”! I yelled, I crawled over to him but the German solders held me back. How could they have got the captain I asked myself? He was heavily guarded by a few hundred men and A dozen army tanks. But most importantly how could they of got me? My squad had pushed the Germans ahead away from me! I know what happened, an ambush and my army had to call a retreat and the captain was most likely taken hostage during the retreat! Just then a large man got the captain and took him off to some type of chamber. A smaller man a little smaller than me tried to take me away too he was pretty tiny and bony he didn't have any muscle at all! Their were only three men around me at the time so I started to plan my escape! I nudged the little dude aside and went for the bigger one, He turned to me just as I was about to punch him but I gave him a good kick to the stomach and he fell on the floor with extremely large force! Now I started to run, I ran faster than I ever thought I could but then as I got to the end my hopes were broken. I was now staring down at Chamois from a mountain I turned around saw five men running at me! It was either them or jump I quickly made up my mind and jumped! I jumped far, very far as a matter a fact! I was now falling into Chamois at around 100 km per hour! As I fell downwards all I saw was the whole city full of Germans I would have to make this a perfect landing if I didn't want to get caught again. I landed on a German soldier it helped lower the impact on my fall I got up and ran for cover as I walked in the floor gave out and once again I fell on my back into smelly sewer water I felt a slight tug on my leg the water seemed to be going somewhere so I followed it. It was quite the long walk a horrible walk with the horrible odor traveling through my nose. I soon came to the end of the sewer line I came to a clearing with tank marks heading through the trees and foot prints in the front and back of the tank marks...... “my captains convoy'! I yelled excitedly. I got out of the water and followed the tank tracks through the forest. I then started to hear gun fire and gigantic booms! I kept following the tracks through a small swamp and over broken tree's on the tracks were now marks of exploded, road side bombs they were fresh, something happened a few minutes ago. I kept looking for signs of an attack. I moved forward and saw curved army tank tracks and scattering footprints heading into the trees, I thought I saw a man move in the trees but it was hard to tell, for a better view I unhooked my binoculars from my belt and saw a man with a knife in a Canadian army uniform holding a dagger to something, I ran through the trees and came in front of the army tank, it was exploded and all black with my friend on top holding a knife to another Canadian Soldier. For a second I didn't know what was going on. Just then my friend turned around, saw me and said “oh great timing your in the front seat row to see the Canadian army fall into the Germans hands!” I stuttered a sentence through my mouth, “but....I.....thought....You were dead! And what do you mean by our own army falling into the Germans hands?” “Levi, Levi,Levi he said cant you see that we'll never win this war.... Were weak, and why stay on the weak side when you can fight strong on the Germans side?” I thought you were dead! I even saw you fall down a mountain at the start of world war two! I thought you were my friend since grade two! And now you just bail on me?!” He then shoved the dagger into the mans back, the same one I had been stabbed with! He was the one that wounded me! Just then I felt adrenaline pumping through my body, I was angry and I attacked him! I pulled my knife and lunged for him but missed, he turned and pointed the knife at me, he also lunged for me but I crossed my knife and the weapon he was holding twirled into the trees. Now I could get even with him and take him back to base I raised my knife but then I felt something...... A felling that had made me remember all of the fun times we had together. We used to play at the park after every school day and never stop. I put the knife back into it's sheath and put a pair of hand cuffs tightly on his hands. I started to walk him back to the Canadian base, or what's left of it. We walked out of the trees and ran through tall grass until we came in sight of a large fort with Canadian flags waving in the wind around it I walked up to the main gates and an army tank drove out with several men around it they looked at me and my friends Canadian shirts, I told them how my friend turned to the German army and told them he needed to be badly punished we threw him in a jail cell and locked the doors behind him. My belly rumbled, I forgot I had not eaten in four days and I needed something to eat and fast. My teammates gave me a lot of bread and a whole jug of water. I stayed the night in the top of a bunk bed and told myself we would go for our final attack on the Germans and free our captain! I woke up at seven- O- clock and told all the soldiers that we needed to finish the war but they all said that the Canadian army is not strong enough to take on all of the German's, but I was the man with a plan! I told my friends to go look for all of the remaining army's and they all finally agreed! We took all of our remaining items and people and machines, we traveled through tough terrain and gathered all of the remaining soldiers and anything we could possibly use against the Germans! We all gathered at the front of Chamois and waited for our attacking signal! Just then we saw a storm of Germans coming from their main base and we ran for the attack, the war started with speeding bullets firing at all of the teams. I could already tell that this would be the most violent battle that any of these men had been through, us Canadians quietly ran for the German base with our Russian allies running behind us! The USA, England and Poland armies collided with the Germans down in Chamois. My army and the Russians were now destroying the small amount of German soldiers and tanks with our Panzercheck bazooka's, machine guns and rifles. We cleared out the German base and found our captain in a cell, he was so glad to see us! We now joined our other allied armies down in Chamois and flanked the Germans! Our planes were now coming in and bombing the German headquarters. Two of our army's had now been destroyed, the England and Russian's, the Polish were barely holding on! We were nearly ab out to win the war when our hopes were depleted. German planes were moving in on our planes and fast! The planes then all collided and explosions came from the sky with tons of smoke poring into the air. We had now destroyed the Germans ground force we then saw four Fighter jets soring through the air! One USA and Canadian jets and two German jets right in front of them, the Canadian jet fired a missile and it hit a German fighter jet. It crashed to the ground billowing in flames! And the other one shortly after. I looked around me, there were dead soldiers from each of the armies, army tanks in flames, bullets from guns, and the only men I could now see were Canadian and US armies! I felt bad for all of those good men who had gave their lives for the sake of their countries but I realized that I was the one who saved my army and brought peace to the world. I jumped in a cargo plane and went back home to my family!
As soon as I got back home I took off to the graveyard to visit my allies who had died in the war a few months ago I looked at a grave, my captain had died in the war after we had saved him, I was sure that if he could see me as a general right now, he would be very pleased.
In loving memory of general Dawson, leader of the Canadian army in world war 2.
Died in 1941 by a road side bomb in Chamois.
World War 2 Assassination
By Levi
Welcome to Your Mystery Story Page 2! Here is a new page to enter your fantastic new opening story lines, paragraphs, and soon full story.
This is also the place to post two stars and a wish about the other story staters, paragraphs, and stories you read. Two stars are positive things you see in the story and your wish is constructive feedback on how to specifically improve the story.
So, to recap....which means go over again, post your writing here after you've done some in class editing with your peers and then post it online for the world to see. The other people who are part of your team online, will post 2 stars (positive things) and one wish (constructive feedback to help make the writing better). Be kind, because after all, they will do the same for you!
Note: All stories and comments need to be on this page. Please do not use the discussion area for postings
A Flash of lightning crackled as the door of the tomb creaked opened loudly. - legoman124
The ugly man crept into the camp quietly and very slowly.-reggytony
two star one wish interesting story and slowly quietly good words wish, finish your story-legoman124
The Tomb
by legoman124
A Flash of lightning crackled as the door of the tomb creaked open loudly. As a shady figure stepped into the dark wet tomb. but then arrows flew for the wall, He easily dodge the arrow in one step. Farther he got the more trap their were, like hole arrow and the worst of them all the mouse traps. Until he saw it, the priceless solid platinum carving of the Mungalia Head of Wisdom. So he grab it, bad idea. The floor rumble, the wall shake, then the biggest candy ball of all time landed right in front of him well not in front of him a couple of feet.
He bolted to the entrance but he was to late, smosh he was creamed into the giant candy ball. Boom!!!!! Right into the entrance, Candy shot everywhere the eye could see. So he grab a handful and stuff it in his sachel and then walked away. Then he nearest black market and sold it for 10$, it was kind cheap but what ever.
The End
HI Legoman124, The grade 5 class, and I are looking at writing this afternoon. We would offer you the following comments: We thought your paragraph was very interesting, and offered a lot of description. You provided some unique ways of looking at common objects. eg. the candy boulder. We think that your story could be improved on by connecting your ideas, and keeping either past or present tense, so that the reader can understand what you are trying to say. - Mrs. Eitzen and the grade 5 class
Hi Legoman! I loved your opening sentence as it set the stage for an exciting story. I could see the flash of lightening and the tomb sets up the idea of creepiness yet adventure. A wish I have for your story is that you'd develop your plot more. I think I've seen, "grab the object and then something smashes down on you" too many times in movies for it to be original. I bet you could think of something else to happen to make it your own. A good beginning to mystery writing!
Mrs.Smith
Hello Legoman124 I really, really liked your opening sentence! I could just picture the man going into the tomb with the lightning crackling outside, I felt like I was actually at the scene in the story! The other thing I like about it is how much good humor their was at the end of the story! I wish that you could work on completing your words a little bit more in your story!
Go LegoMan!!!!!!!!! From: Bubble Boy
World War 2 Assassination
By Bubbleboy
It was world war two in 1941 May when England, Poland, Russia, USA and Canada were fighting the Germans. I was in the Canadian army fighting off the Germans in Chamois, the greatest battle in all of world war two. We were pushing back the Germans to the edge of the city when a man behind me pulls a knife and stabs me in the arm. I try to call for help but my team is already too far ahead, the man lunges for me but I grabbed his arm weakly as blood leaked through my cam-o shirt. The knife was getting closer and closer to my neck as I struggled to keep the knife away, I then gave all my strength to reach my rifle. I quickly grabbed my gun and bashed the man with the end of my gun right in the stomach. The man stumbled backwards dropping the knife beside my shoulder. The man got up and ran away startled. I lied there, dazed not knowing who could of done this to me, with my arm soaked in blood the pain spread through my body...... I woke to be lying on a concrete floor the blood from the cut on my arm had dried, their were men around me talking in a strange Russian accent with guns in their hands. I looked on a wall and saw a flag a German flag! “O my gosh”! I thought, I was in the German headquarters! I tried to get up but a man kicked me with his boot and I fell down to the ground weakly I hit my head on the concrete and right beside me I saw my captain! “Captain”! I yelled, I crawled over to him but the German solders held me back. How could they have got the captain I asked myself? He was heavily guarded by a few hundred men and A dozen army tanks. But most importantly how could they of got me? My squad had pushed the Germans ahead away from me! I know what happened, an ambush and my army had to call a retreat and the captain was most likely taken hostage during the retreat! Just then a large man got the captain and took him off to some type of chamber. A smaller man a little smaller than me tried to take me away too he was pretty tiny and bony he didn't have any muscle at all! Their were only three men around me at the time so I started to plan my escape! I nudged the little dude aside and went for the bigger one, He turned to me just as I was about to punch him but I gave him a good kick to the stomach and he fell on the floor with extremely large force! Now I started to run, I ran faster than I ever thought I could but then as I got to the end my hopes were broken. I was now staring down at Chamois from a mountain I turned around saw five men running at me! It was either them or jump I quickly made up my mind and jumped! I jumped far, very far as a matter a fact! I was now falling into Chamois at around 100 km per hour! As I fell downwards all I saw was the whole city full of Germans I would have to make this a perfect landing if I didn't want to get caught again. I landed on a German soldier it helped lower the impact on my fall I got up and ran for cover as I walked in the floor gave out and once again I fell on my back into smelly sewer water I felt a slight tug on my leg the water seemed to be going somewhere so I followed it. It was quite the long walk a horrible walk with the horrible odor traveling through my nose. I soon came to the end of the sewer line I came to a clearing with tank marks heading through the trees and foot prints in the front and back of the tank marks...... “my captains convoy'! I yelled excitedly. I got out of the water and followed the tank tracks through the forest. I then started to hear gun fire and gigantic booms! I kept following the tracks through a small swamp and over broken tree's on the tracks were now marks of exploded, road side bombs they were fresh, something happened a few minutes ago. I kept looking for signs of an attack. I moved forward and saw curved army tank tracks and scattering footprints heading into the trees, I thought I saw a man move in the trees but it was hard to tell, for a better view I unhooked my binoculars from my belt and saw a man with a knife in a Canadian army uniform holding a dagger to something, I ran through the trees and came in front of the army tank, it was exploded and all black with my friend on top holding a knife to another Canadian Soldier. For a second I didn't know what was going on. Just then my friend turned around, saw me and said “oh great timing your in the front seat row to see the Canadian army fall into the Germans hands!” I stuttered a sentence through my mouth, “but....I.....thought....You were dead! And what do you mean by our own army falling into the Germans hands?” “Levi, Levi,Levi he said cant you see that we'll never win this war.... Were weak, and why stay on the weak side when you can fight strong on the Germans side?” I thought you were dead! I even saw you fall down a mountain at the start of world war two! I thought you were my friend since grade two! And now you just bail on me?!” He then shoved the dagger into the mans back, the same one I had been stabbed with! He was the one that wounded me! Just then I felt adrenaline pumping through my body, I was angry and I attacked him! I pulled my knife and lunged for him but missed, he turned and pointed the knife at me, he also lunged for me but I crossed my knife and the weapon he was holding twirled into the trees. Now I could get even with him and take him back to base I raised my knife but then I felt something...... A felling that had made me remember all of the fun times we had together. We used to play at the park after every school day and never stop. I put the knife back into it's sheath and put a pair of hand cuffs tightly on his hands. I started to walk him back to the Canadian base, or what's left of it. We walked out of the trees and ran through tall grass until we came in sight of a large fort with Canadian flags waving in the wind around it I walked up to the main gates and an army tank drove out with several men around it they looked at me and my friends Canadian shirts, I told them how my friend turned to the German army and told them he needed to be badly punished we threw him in a jail cell and locked the doors behind him. My belly rumbled, I forgot I had not eaten in four days and I needed something to eat and fast. My teammates gave me a lot of bread and a whole jug of water. I stayed the night in the top of a bunk bed and told myself we would go for our final attack on the Germans and free our captain! I woke up at seven- O- clock and told all the soldiers that we needed to finish the war but they all said that the Canadian army is not strong enough to take on all of the German's, but I was the man with a plan! I told my friends to go look for all of the remaining army's and they all finally agreed! We took all of our remaining items and people and machines, we traveled through tough terrain and gathered all of the remaining soldiers and anything we could possibly use against the Germans! We all gathered at the front of Chamois and waited for our attacking signal! Just then we saw a storm of Germans coming from their main base and we ran for the attack, the war started with speeding bullets firing at all of the teams. I could already tell that this would be the most violent battle that any of these men had been through, us Canadians quietly ran for the German base with our Russian allies running behind us! The USA, England and Poland armies collided with the Germans down in Chamois. My army and the Russians were now destroying the small amount of German soldiers and tanks with our Panzercheck bazooka's, machine guns and rifles. We cleared out the German base and found our captain in a cell, he was so glad to see us! We now joined our other allied armies down in Chamois and flanked the Germans! Our planes were now coming in and bombing the German headquarters. Two of our army's had now been destroyed, the England and Russian's, the Polish were barely holding on! We were nearly ab out to win the war when our hopes were depleted. German planes were moving in on our planes and fast! The planes then all collided and explosions came from the sky with tons of smoke poring into the air. We had now destroyed the Germans ground force we then saw four Fighter jets soring through the air! One USA and Canadian jets and two German jets right in front of them, the Canadian jet fired a missile and it hit a German fighter jet. It crashed to the ground billowing in flames! And the other one shortly after. I looked around me, there were dead soldiers from each of the armies, army tanks in flames, bullets from guns, and the only men I could now see were Canadian and US armies! I felt bad for all of those good men who had gave their lives for the sake of their countries but I realized that I was the one who saved my army and brought peace to the world. I jumped in a cargo plane and went back home to my family!
As soon as I got back home I took off to the graveyard to visit my allies who had died in the war a few months ago I looked at a grave, my captain had died in the war after we had saved him, I was sure that if he could see me as a general right now, he would be very pleased.
In loving memory of general Dawson, leader of the Canadian army in world war 2.
Died in 1941 by a road side bomb in Chamois.
World War 2 Assassination
By Levi